Thursday, June 27, 2013

I know, right?!

It's been 1 year, 3 months and 13 days since my last post...and I can't believe they didn't shut this blog down...I know, right?!

So what brings me back? Well I've been thinking that the web has been missing some nonsense of the Vino Mommy kind and my brain is filled with shit to purge so here I am.

So much has changed and I just assume the only people who read this dribble are either family or friends so no need to rehash the last year or so...if you didn't catch it live time your SOL. I do find it somewhat humorous (and frankly sweet?) to see that there are a select few people who actually check on this blog so part of me feels a little ashamed that I have been so lame. Thanks for sticking with me...this whole blog thing sort of ebbs and flows depending on life.

I am currently traveling for work, so for those who don't know me this part of my life hasn't changed. Currently I am trapped in my hotel room in Rockville, MD. Obama didn't extend an invite while I am here but it's probably for the better, I'd likely have to tell him how voting for him ONE time has ruined my credibility with my family for life. It wouldn't be pretty...

This week has been a bit rough as I've spent about 12 hours with my kids since last Wednesday and frankly last night did me in. As I listened to the kids plead with me over the phone to not leave anymore and ask me for the millionth time why I have to work in another state I was literally choking back the tears. I don't think I have ever had to pull the phone away while talking to my children to compose myself but last night was a tipping point. I know that soon enough I will be home and life will resume it's usual chaotic, comforting normalcy...but this week *gah* I am struggling to focus on where and what I should be doing.

It probably doesn't help that I have vacillated between 3 times zones in the last week and my body alone is a hot mess not too mention my mental state. I've said it before I really do like what I do for the most part (hey everyone has bad days), well I would hope so as I just celebrated my 17th Anniversary with the company this week (yes I did start working when I was 10), but there is always a part of me that takes a beating when I travel. Like am I being selfish for wanting a career which in turn takes me away from my family? But then again my family needs to eat, have a place to stay, etc...but do we necessarily need vacations, new cars, and wine? Probably not, but I am certain I can NOT give up the wine perk. Hey, just being honest here. I question my career path and wonder if it is at the expense of my family? You may be thinking this is all very dramatic and we want funny Vino Mommy back, but again it's been a year of pent up thoughts. :)  I know, we could do with less and in turn I could make less, but feel like I am there as much as I possibly can and willing to dwindle my PTO balance to ensure that I can still chaperon field trips and help at class parties and snuggle with sick kiddos so that they know they always come before my work.

The other issue I grapple with when I gone is feeling so out of touch with those I care about the most, again my husband, my kids, my parents, my best friend, etc... Almost like a fight or flight kind of mentality...I want to talk to them, but probably have nothing to say, things are just status quo. I am traveling, they are home doing their routine and that's pretty much it. It's times like these where I wonder what it would be like if we lived far away from everyone, do people work harder at relationships if your not a quick car ride away? At this point I am not willing to test those waters...I'll stay focused on figuring out from closer proximity.

Maybe it was attending my Great Uncle's funeral this week that has me so prophetic about life and how it should be...he was young, 58 actually, he and my Dad were only 3 years apart (don't even get me started on what a mess I would be if I lost my Dad right now, shit just isn't right) as someone described him he was "an over the top biker dude"...but my point is that as tragic as his death was, his funeral was probably one of the most positive, uplifting services I have ever been to. Of course there was no shortage of tears, but I truly believe he left this world with no regrets. I am not saying the man was perfect by any means, but he really chose to live his life positively regardless of circumstance and honestly that is not an easy feat as most of us know. I really want to be that kind of person that embraces life, good or bad and can honestly say "ok, no matter what, I am going to make the most out of this and keep moving forward with a smile on my face". Always easier said than done, but I can not remember a time this man did not show up to any event (good or bad) with a smile and a positive attitude, not to mention a genuine interest in how you were doing. I am determined to find a way to embrace this way of living even if it takes a constant reminder to do so.

*Quick update, my computer crashed (new laptop I might add, make note call IT and ask what kind of crap they sent me) as I was typing this...but no need to worry the world of blogs is so intuitive it saved all of this dribble. I did question if this was a sign that what I wrote so far was not meant for the web, but alas the blog won out. Lucky you!*

Last but not least during the computer malfunction my best girl and I had a little chat and it amazes me how sometimes a phone call can change the way you feel. It's funny how people can miss each other so much that it almost makes them irritated with one another, does that even make sense? I feel like she and work that way, that we have this spectrum where if we go to long without a meaningful conversation via phone or in person we actually get irritable. Good thing we love each other so much that we can recognize our mental imperfections. Love you S! :)

So with that it is good to be back and I PROMISE to write something witty, clever, crass and all out Vino Mommyish next time (you thought I was going to promise to post more often, haven't you people been promised that enough?!!), but appreciate you sticking with me tonight for my therapy session. Oddly enough the blog is a fantastically free form of therapy, suck on that Dr Phil.

Until next time...